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“Perhaps one reason we may feel stuck, unable to leap by faith in our relationship with God is because we have yet to be convinced that He is really, truly good. Because of this, the relationship can become stagnant, not because God has changed, but because the things we believe are holding us back. We must sift through these fears and unbeliefs so that the fearful truth we are living can become His Truth that sets us free.” – Ashlie Writes
I came across this quote in an incredible post that I almost could have written myself. It described word for word how I have been feeling. I knew it was how I was feeling, but yet, I was unable to put those feelings into words and understand them fully myself.
In a recent counseling session with my amazing Christian counselor, we came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe I am basing my value and my worth onto how good I think my faith is. That while comparing my faith to that of others, I think I am not good enough, not spiritual enough, and not doing “the Christian life” well enough.
I compare my life to to the highlight reel of others – the Facebook statuses I see on my newsfeed, the things I hear from people at church on Sunday and more. But those things are just the highlights, they are not the real, deep down insides of what God sees and knows. And yet, I continue to compare my life and think I am just not good enough.
I believe that these thought processes come from my background – from the belief that I was never good enough for my earthly father. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive and controlling. My parents divorced when I was 15, but by then the damage was already done. Nothing I did was good enough for my father, and so I think that belief of never being good enough is something I unconsciously believe of God.
But isn’t that what Christ came and died for? So that we would have Salvation? Grace? Faith? Yes, and I know that, but making myself realize that each and every day is harder. Telling myself, that God does forgive me, He is not up there holding these things over my head, that He is not angry at me, that He truly loves me unconditionally. These are the thoughts I struggle with inspite of it all.
“Perhaps one reason we may feel stuck, unable to leap by faith in our relationship with God is because we have yet to be convinced that He is really, truly good.”
Because of my past, I struggle to believe that God is “really, truly good.” We hear that He is, but when I see the things of this world, I wonder, God how could you allow this? I have questioned God over and over and over. I have questioned him about my parent’s divorce, about my miscarriage, about my son’s autism and his other special needs. And when I was done questioning, I felt even more guilty. How can I, this small small human that God created, question the God of the universe and His plans? How? But I did.
“We must sift through these fears and unbeliefs so that the fearful truth we are living can become His Truth that sets us free.”
And so I am learning to sift through these fears and unbeliefs, these untruths that are causing my relationship with God to become stagnant. I must overcome the belief that I will never be good enough. I must overcome the will to compare my life to other’s highlight reel. I must overcome my guilt and accept God’s unconditional love for me. I must see Him as good.
“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living.” – Psalm 27:13
I love what Ashlie says at the end of her blog post:
“Are we confident in God’s goodness? Furthermore, are we confident in God’s goodness toward us personally? Or do we believe it can be changed based on our performance, how we feel, circumstances, trials, or whether or not we mess up? Do we trust that He is good, all the time? Do we believe He can really do the things He says He can do? Being convinced of His goodness is a necessary component in the journey to freedom – without it, how will we find the trust to leap?”
I will leave you with those thoughts and those questions. If you struggle like I do, may you find peace in the fact that God is good, and that He is watching over us. Take a leap of faith today and believe it.