Life is a Battle

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So many times this past week I have wanted to sit down and write. I wanted to sit down and write an amazing post about how through these trials my faith in God has increased, or how my trust in Him as grown stronger. I wanted to sit down and write a post to encourage others, but no words came.

I listen as friends tell me they don’t know how I do it, or that they wouldn’t blame me if I were angry at God. And it’s true. The anger has really never left, it just ebbs and flows through trials I go through in life. Anger at my parent’s divorce, anger at my miscarriage, anger that God would allow my son to struggle through life with four different diagnoses, and now anger at watching what is happening to my daughter.

God, when is it enough? When will you agree that it’s too much? 

After the tests at the children’s hospital, we have been to a pediatric pulmonologist and now a pediatric ENT. They both say the same thing: the swallowing difficulties and aspiration could be due to severe damage from reflux OR it could be a laryngeal cleft.

“A laryngeal cleft is a rare congenital abnormality in the posterior laryngo-tracheal wall. It occurs in approximately 1 in 10,000 to 20,000 births. It means there is a gap between the oesophagus and trachea, which allows food or fluid to pass into the airway.” – Wikipedia

Our next step is to get an endoscopy done (my son also had this procedure done a few years ago). This where they would do a procedure with a camera down her throat in a tube that would show them what is going on. They are talking surgery if it is indeed damage from the reflux and the reflux can’t be controlled. If for some reason the endoscopy doesn’t show anything, the next step would be an MRI of the brain to see if this could be a neurological disorder. They are also talking feeding tubes if she doesn’t gain enough weight and/or the reflux can’t be kept under control.

Right now she is gaining enough weight to stay just above the “failure to thrive line.” She is eating which is good, just not eating enough. We have tried multiple medicines and multiple formulas and I have logged and logged every feeding, every aspiration and choking episode.

We are exhausted. We are tired, and we are done. For weeks I have had to choose between my special needs son’s most important needs and now my special needs daughter’s most important needs. I have had to choose appointments and family time over cleaning the house, and eating out over the exhaustion of making meals (not that I have had time to do that either…).

I read a post the other day entitled, “When Satan Steals Your Motherhood.” The post talked about how the mother let Satan into her home when she got angry, or when she was fearful, or any other number of things that happen daily in the home. She said, “Satan wants you to fail. And to feel alone. And to feel inadequate to what Someone Else has CALLED you to do.”

“… just rest at the feet of Jesus for a moment.”

“Today? It is going to be okay. Take back your motherhood. It is a gift. Listen to the life-giver, NOT the liar.”

And as I thought about those words I realized, Satan doesn’t just want to steal your motherhood, he wants to steal your marriage. He wants to steal your family. He wants to steal your life away. He wants to steal your faith away from the only One who can fight for you.

As I look back over the last few months and think of all the stress. The times I was frustrated with my son because I was oh-so-tired, and the times my husband and I barely wanted to speak to each other because we both were so stressed and had no idea how to handle things. These are the ways Satan steals us away. Slowly, until there is nothing left except the skeletal remains of the faith and trust we once had.

Life is a battle. But we MUST keep on fighting. Keep fighting to have hope. Keep fighting to have trust in the One who knows all. Keep fighting to have faith in the only One who will never fail you.

“Be not afraid nor dismayed…for the battle is not yours, but God’s.” – II Chronicles 20:15