Marriage: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

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Do you ever wonder about what other people’s marriages are like? Is their marriage and what you see there real? Do you wonder what goes on behind closed doors? Sometimes I look at people and wonder…

Do they ever fight? 

How often do they have date nights

Is their communication good? 

How are they so cuddly all the time? 

Is it an act, or are they always like this?


The Marriage Comparison Trap

I don’t know why I wonder about other people’s marriage so much. It’s not like my marriage is bad; It’s not at all! I love my husband with all my heart and I am so glad God gave him to me.

But let’s face it, no marriage is perfect. Not even the ones that look like it from time to time.

So why do some marriages look so perfect? Why does it seem like some couples have never had a fight in their life? Or Why does it seem like they wake up each day and never get cross or moody with each other?

While I’m not sure of the answer, I am sure that no one is perfect.

We all have our bad days and no one is exempt from that no matter what we think we may see. But sometimes I am still tempted to compare. I’m tempted to compare my marriage to others and think,

How come we don’t do that? 

Why aren’t we more like them?

Is it because we have a baby?

Does that automatically mean we can’t and won’t be romantic anymore?

Of course, I tell myself that none of that is true. All of these questions and more have been proven wrong at one time or another in my marriage. My husband is romantic and there are plenty of nice things we do for each other on a daily basis.

The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly

I’ve come to the conclusion that in every marriage there is good, there is the bad, and there is the ugly.

Everyone brings baggage with them when they get married and baggage from the past can interfere with your relationship and cause stress in it. This is the bad part of marriage.

The ugly is us seeing everything of each other.

Him seeing me when I’m not at my best. Him seeing me when I am sick and grumpy, or when I get up in the morning and have bad breath. The times when he sees me and I can barely get out of bed, let alone put makeup on and do my hair.

But the good in marriage is seeing and knowing about all the bad and ugly things and still loving each other for who you each are. Loving each other no matter what baggage you may have. Staying with each other through thick and thin; through all the ugliness of life. And when at the end of the day you can still say those three simple words, “I Love You.

THAT is the good and best part of marriage. That is what makes my marriage perfect. Perfect to me.

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  1. Let me tell you, this happened to me last week! But then I had a wake up call. I'll blog about it tomorrow, but to give you the short version, rarely is someone's marriage exactly what others perceive it to be.

    All you can do is work on your marriage and put the work in to make it as wonderful as possible.

  2. Good post. 🙂 I think about this sometimes, but I figure that no marriage or relationship is the way it appears. And yes, it is different with a baby. But the romance isn't dead. Just delayed. Ha!

  3. Everyone thought my marriage was perfect- including myself- for a year, and then I found out my husband was being unfaithful the entire time. Everyone-including myself- was shocked. So 'perfect' usually isn't.

  4. I found it interesting that you said when you had no makeup on and your hair not done was the ugly part. I think that's the beautiful part of marriage, to have someone you can be yourself with and not have to worry about them judging you.

  5. I agree. No marriage is perfect all the time because we as humans are not perfect. I do the same thing sometimes, comparing my marriage to other marriages. I do wonder if the reason marriages that ARE lovey dovey after a while are only that way because of the bad and ugly parts they have been through together… This was a great post!!!

  6. Yeah, some marriages are easy to "read", others… you don't know! For us personally, we actually, seriously, rarely argue. And never yell or such. I came from a family where it was completely acceptable for my dad to use his words to hurt us all, and my husband has set the standard that that's not ok, and wow, what a difference. I trust him and know that he has my heart in good care 🙂

  7. I sure have wondered. I also wonder about other people's mothering skills and how mine compare!
    Came over from SITS to say hi.

  8. I wish someone had told me all this before I got married, because when my husband and I had our first fight on our honeymoon (then our second fight as soon as we got home), I was starting to think I married the wrong person. Little did I know that no marriage is easy or perfect.

    I make sure I tell young wives this, so they know it's hard, but that it's worth the fight.

  9. Very good article. The real key to a successful marriage is not always getting along, but staying together during those times that we don't get along. Invariably we will cycle back to friendship/connection/warm feelings again.

    On my blog Family Fountain I try to write a post on marriage every Sunday. B/c of a busy schedule I was not able to do that the last two weeks. Next year I am going to do a series of guest posts on Marriage. Would you be interested in doing one? I've visited here before and read some of your articles and they are very good.

    If you are interested in checking it out, please go to Family Fountain. On the top right column you'll see a list of "Favorite Posts," most of which are on marriage. This will give you some sense of the emphasis on my blog.

    Either way, keep up the good work here promoting Christian family.


  10. I think most times we see that "perfect marriage" we would be truly surprised at what goes on when we aren't looking. Then again, I'm sure that somewhere there might possibly be that perfect marriage that everyone desires.

    I think the key to a good marriage, or a good relationship, is a strong foundation. That foundation must be built of several things; trust, respect, and really, truly, liking the other person. If you don't like someone deep down, you can still love them, but you don't want to be around them.

    If you love someone AND you like them, you will work that much harder to overcome conflict and hardships.

    Just my two cents worth 🙂 oh, I wanted to let you know I left you something on my blog 🙂 You can find it here

  11. ya always wondering especially after i keep hearing from my husband that disagreeing is not arguing… guess i just dont like confrontation but then again if he didnt have his opinion or if we agreed on everything we wouldnt be ourselves and life would be boring lol i think sometimes we need to step back from our relationship to realize what we think is bad really isnt compared to others :0 have a blessed holiday!

  12. Not just marriages, but relationships in general, aren't always what they appear to be.

    People can't read other people clearly, without knowing them, and even then, within, still secrets can lie.

    I never try and size up any person or any couple. I take them at face value. Remember that every one has their own story, one that we all don't get to read upon view, so of course there are plenty of marriages that aren't as they appear to be. My parents were the proof of that!

    xoxo Shelly

    If you'd like me to write about this, just drop me a line at

  13. Ah, the dreaded comparison trap! I know it’s bad for me but sometimes I fall into this issue in other areas of my life. Unfortunately, (or fortunately), I’m very suspicious of any couple that looks too perfect and together, so I rarely compare outward appearances in marriage. I guess I’m either cynical or have heard too many horror stories as a counselor and pastor’s wife. 🙂 But I really resonate with your encouragement to focus on loving each other unconditionally, Kathryn. It’s an area that I need to work on with my husband and others in my life. Thanks so much for sharing it and linking it up over at Wedded Wed. I suppose the link worked for you this week? I’m so glad!

  14. I discovered the “perfection” myth shortly after getting married. It was hard! None of the newlyweds I knew seemed to have such a difficult time, so at first I was afraid that I was doing something wrong. But God opened my eyes to the fact that we are all broken and we all struggle. I started my blog with the intent of debunking some of the perfection myth by sharing my struggles in marriage. Satan loves to isolate us and make us feel like we are the only ones struggling, but it is simply not true! We are not alone, and at the end of it all, we have a great God on our side.

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