Note: I may earn money or products from the companies, products, or links mentioned in this post.
It’s the night before Thanksgiving, the kids are in bed and I am left with wondering. Wondering how I can put into words how I am feeling, and wondering how I can be so thankful and yet struggle so much with a heart of thanksgiving.
It’s been a rough year for my family. My daughter has been hospitalized seven times so far this year and as I look at everything around me, it’s hard for me to not feel so very lonely.
I see the kid’s toys all over the floor, the smooshed cheerios in the carpet, and the crumbs that are still there despite what seems like constant vacuuming. I see the stains all over the rug where my daughter’s feeding tube formula spilled and from when she decided it would be fun to yank her extension loose.
I see multiple dirty plates from my son who currently is using two “special plates” on his current feeding regimen. He goes through so many I can barely keep up. I see the food I’ve not had time to put away, and my daughter’s medicines and feeding tube supplies spread out all over the kitchen.
There are multiple shoes and socks thrown off all over the house, dirty clothes that haven’t been washed in days, and boxes that have yet to be unopened from our move this past August. Discouragement fills me, as I see the formula stains on the wall of my daughter’s room – signs of feeding tube troubles and mishaps, and when I look at myself in the mirror I can’t remember the last time I have showered or even eaten a good meal that wasn’t fast food.
There’s the preparation of Turkey and other foods that need to be cooked looming over my head, and the loneliness of friends and family far away. I’ve been running on little sleep due to my daughter’s current fever, and her infection – partly due to her sleeplessness, and partly due to my anxiety-ridden state. The thought passes that I might feel worse than she does, but I know that’s not true.
Inspite of it all, inspite of all the things that have me down and have me wondering how I can make it just one more day, I am still seeing the small things. And those small things are the very things that make me the most thankful. Amid all the messiness of my home and my heart, God has still shown me that He is here and there is more than plenty to be thankful for. And I am thankful.
I’m thankful that I have two beautiful, loving kids that are here to make messes and to smoosh cheerios in my carpet despite all the vacuuming I do. I am thankful for the feeding tube that gives my daughter life and helps her to contiue to gain weight. I am thankful for medicine that will hopefully help her feel better and that can take away her symotoms and the pain.
I’m thankful for shoes inspite of never being able to find them when it’s time, and for the clothes we all have even though I tend to see just how much weight it takes to not fit into them. I’m thankful for the stains on the wall that remind me that things could be worse and for the reminder that my daughter is currently home and not at the hospital and that she is smiling at me.
I am thankful for the money that somehow is somehow always there to buy us food and to keep our water running. I am thankful for my mother’s intuition that knows just what my baby needs and that I can be there for her no matter what. I am thankful for the bed that I have and that despite many sleepless nights I can rest on it and pray.
I am thankful that I have my family, my husband, and my two kids and while many friends have moved away, and while in-between churches we have not had many people to celebrate with, I am thankful for the several people that have reached out to us and reminded me that they cared.
I am thankful for the dinner that was donated to us – a full Thanksgiving dinner that I will make tomorrow. I was shocked upon seeing how much we were given and so very thankful that once again God had us in mind. HIs thoughtfulness and kindness is beyond measure and His love amazes me every day.
Some days it’s hard to be thankful, but even on those days there’s always something to be thankful for. And this Thanksgiving that’s what I’m so thankful for.
“Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.” – Psalm 106:1