Why Should Christians Talk About Sex?
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Disclaimer: I understand that the topic of sex can be a very touchy subject, but I believe there is nothing wrong with talking about sex within marriage especially for strong Christian marriages. Recently I have felt very strongly led to write on this topic. I am a little scared, but I am stepping out because I really feel that this is something other Christian young couples need to hear, and deal with. If you are offended at the mention of sex, I would ask that you not read any further, thank you.
Yup that’s right I said it. That three lettered word that most people in Christian circles do not dare to say or even bring up: S.E.X.
Today, I want to talk to you about the importance of sex in marriage, why it’s important, and why we should talk about it as Christians. Pretty heavy stuff, huh? The main theme for this post came from a question posted on another blog (Intimacy in Marriage), which in turn got me thinking, and then led to this post. Here is the question: “Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
If you are anything like me then, you probably grew up in a Christian home, was raised very conservatively, and was constantly told, “Thou shalt never have sex until you’re married.” All good things, but not really good things for your marriage. Young Christian women are being told what not to do before marriage, but are not being told what to do once they do get married.
As a young married woman who has been married three years now, I am increasingly seeing how important sex is in a marriage, and how important it is that this topic be talked about, especially in Christian circles. I see so many young women, like myself, who have so many questions. They seem to not know what is right and wrong in a marriage bed or even if anything is wrong in that aspect, and they just do not realize how important it is to their life and to their marriage. They don’t understand that sex is a special and wonderful gift from God that is especially for them.
How many people have ever told you that sex is a gift from God? I am pretty sure most of you would say none. Has anyone ever sat down with you and answered any questions you had or mentored you in this area? What are your feelings toward sex in your marriage? Are they good? Bad? Just ok? I understand that as newlyweds (those who have been married about 1-5 years) sometimes these things take time to set in, but why not work on it now so that you can have an even better marriage later?
So now back to the question I mentioned earlier… “Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
Why is it Important that Christians Talk About Sex?
1. It is important that Christians talk about sex because if we don’t who will?
The world is sending us a different message, and it’s not one I would want my children hearing. We grow up with all these different perspectives of how sex should be and even how our marriages should be. We get our views, from tv, movies, commercials, and even our parents. How are we going to understand that sex and intimacy in marriage really is a gift from God? How are we going to teach our children that? We as Christians need to stand up and not be afraid to talk about these topics, because if we don’t we are going to get it from somewhere or someone else, and our children will too.
2. It is important to see other Christian examples otherwise we will have a skewed view of sex in marriage.
Growing up, I remember hearing other married women talk about how sex was something they dreaded or something that they just did because they “had” to. They made it sound like something that was not fun, or something that all married women would eventually grow to dread. Views like that can lead women to fear sex in marriage and not view it how God would have us to see it. How are these views helping marriages today? They’re not. We need Christian women to stand up for sex in marriage and be advocates for it. Other women out there need good, godly examples that they can lean on.
3. It’s important for our marriages, for future marriages, and for our children
Young Christian ladies need to understand what sex in marriage is all about. I have heard of women who had know idea that it was ok to do things like wear lingerie for their husbands. This is where other women and the church need to step up and be mentors. How are Christian women going to know and understand these topics if no one is willing to show them. I really feel that when Christians become more open about this topic and about wanting to learn about it from a godly point of view and are willing to do their best to use it to please their spouse then we are going to see less marriages failing. I’m not saying this is the only reason marriages are failing, but I do believe that it could be a big part. I could be wrong. I am no expert, but how will we ever know unless we try?
So what can you do if you are a young married woman that really wants to learn about this topic, learn how to be the best wife you can be, and also mentor others going down the same path? I’m glad you asked!
You can start by doing a few of these things. None of these are perfect steps to get you to where you want to be but these are all stepping stones. If you feel as strongly as I do about sex in marriage and being a Christian advocate for sex in a godly marriage then think about doing a few of these suggestions.
1. Read the Song Of Solomon in the Bible.
Have you ever really read this book ? I mean really read it? I know I hadn’t. I think most of us tend to skip over that book, because we are embarrassed, afraid, or even because we wonder, Why would God would include that in the BIBLE? But the cool thing is that He did! He placed it there for a reason, because He approves of sex in marriage and He wants us to know that it is his gift to us. I highly recommend “Kiss Me Like You Mean It: Solomon’s Crazy in Love How-To Manual” by Dr. David Clarke. It is a pretty good guide to the Song of Solomon and has really opened my eyes to what that book really means and the reason why God put it there.
2. Read some good Christian books about Sex in Marriage
Seriously, there are some great books out there, some that will change your view forever. One I already mentioned above, and there are more as well. I will list a few more below, but do your own research find books that interest you on this topic of sex and how you can use it to be a blessing to your spouse. (If you are looking for even more book suggestions on this area, feel free to email me and I will send you a list)
3. Read some blogs about sex and intimacy in marriage.
Just like the books I mentioned above these blogs I am going to list below are out to be advocates for good Christian marriages and good sex in marriage. Blogs that encourage intimacy with your husband not discourage it. They write about topics that others may be afraid to tackle and have answers to questions that you have always wondered -with scripture to back it up! Get to know where you stand on certain topics and go from there. When you have researched and are strong enough in what you believe then you will be able to help others out. These are blogs that encourage intimacy with your husband not discourage it.
- To Love, Honor & Vacuum
- Hot, Holy, & Humorous
- Gwen in Love
- Intimacy in Marriage
- Love Actually
- One Flesh Marriage
4. Talk to someone.
Have you ever talked with your friends, asked for help, or asked a question you were unsure of? Most people are embarrassed to do so. But please don’t let your marriage suffer because you or someone you know has questions. I think more people then we think would be willing to talk about it, everyone is just afraid to be the first to bring it up. And I’m not talking about telling everyone what goes on in your bedroom, but asking real questions, getting mentoring, and finding biblical and godly answers. Sometimes it’s nice to hear that someone is wondering the same thing or that relief you feel when you think, “Oh wow, I am normal” because someone else did that too.
5. Mentor someone who needs help or who may be shy in this area.
If you are ready, and think that you understand all of this, then by all means start mentoring! Find someone you can be accountable to, someone you can talk to about your struggles, and someone who will not go and gossip- someone you can trust. This is something every marriage needs.
In the three years I have been married I am realizing how vital sex can be to a marriage. I am starting to see how God meant it to be, and why it’s His gift to us. All you have to do is open your mind and your heart and He will show you these things too.
Do I know everything? I most certainly do not. Do I have all the answers? I really wish I did. But there are so many resources out there including the Bible that are there to help you and guide you on this journey.
This is awesome Kathryn. I think its great you’re willing to talk openly about it. Unlike you, I grew up in a home where my parents didn’t really care whether I was a virgin on my wedding day. To them, church was just a place to go, a social event, on Sundays. We didn’t talk much about God at home. :/ But thanks to the grace of God, I stayed a virgin. It wasn’t until college that I heard someone talk openly about sexual matters in a Christian context, at my campus ministry. It was incredible to hear people who loved God, talk about something so personal. When I did get married, I wasn’t too shy (though scared!), but my husband was. He was the one who grew up in a home where sex was taboo, and in a church that would condemn you if you even mentioned the word. Thanks to some friends, we bought several books, including Sheet Music. That made all the difference for us! I think in history, Christians didn’t bring it up because they were afraid it would create sexual feelings in the young people who listened. But if done correctly, in the right context, with God at the forefront of the conversation, I think it is awesome and necessary!
Yes, I totally agree, and thank you for sharing your story!
Very good, Kathryn- I think you did a great job of broaching this important topic! I have only one thing to add- when a husband and wife have a healthy sexual relationship, and are open to discussing and learning (from both mentors and each other)- that also has a good effect on their children’s views of sex within marriage. I think that many parents forget that if we don’t teach them about sex, there is always someone or something else to fill the information vacuum in them.
Yes, I didn’t mention that but I was thinking about that when I was writing it. It’s really true! When kids see that their parents have a good relationship they feel more secure and are more likely to grow up and have a good marriage of their own.
AMEN!!! I wrote a couple of posts about this a few weeks ago after I got a rude comment on an innocent photo I posted. I was amazed that some people are so uptight that it’s now considered improper for married women to even hint that she enjoys sex! It was scary to write about, but I was so blown away by the feedback. Good for you for having the courage to write about such an important subject!
Here are my posts, if you’re interested:
Thank you so much for commenting! I went and looked over your post and the photo and the comment, and I think that is just so crazy. It is your life, your photo, if you want to share and be open about it then who cares? I think a lot of people think that it’s not ok to talk about because it is something private. Which is true. But it’s not like you are anyone else i going around saying what EXACTLY is going on in the bedroom. I was really scared to post it too, but I ‘m glad I did, and I may even write more on the topic! 🙂 I ‘m off to check out your other posts on this topic!
I appreciate your boldness! What a great topic! I totally agree with you, that this is something that needs to be addressed and talked about more! Praise God that He gave you the grace and wisdom to write about it as you did!
Thank you for the encouragement, I was scared to post this, but now I am glad I did.
I came over from To Love, Honor and Vacuum when I saw your post title. Great post and thank you for being another voice to encourage married couples in their journey. This is such a great topic! I hope to post about it soon, too.
Thank you so much for your comment! It’s people like Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum and other blogs, that gave me the courage to talk about how I feel about it too!
When I was at church yesterday, we found out that we’re going to start a new message series the Sunday after Easter called “Love, Sex, & Dating”, and I thought about this post when our lead pastor said “if you want to know what our stance on sex in marriage is, I’m here to tell you that we’re all for it.” I’m very excited about beginning this new series, as the previous ones we’ve covered concerning relationships have been great and have provided some very insightful messages on applying the bible’s teachings to marriage in modern day society.
That’s awesome!! You will have to let me know what topics he covers. I would love to write more posts about it, but still trying to figure out what direction I want to go in.
You get nothing but support from me! So many women out there are longing to hear learn about how to have a fulfilling sex life (I know this because the past 2-3 times I’ve posted articles on this subject, they’ve each been shared more than 5K times). Keep on writing and encouraging…and we’ll keep on reading!
Thank you for having the boldness to write about this! I write primarily about marriage and I’ve touched on the topic of sex once or twice. There are a lot of great bloggers out there who do a great job covering sex from a Godly, Christian perspective (I LOVE To Love, Honor and Vacuum; that’s where I found your post!), so I let the pros tackle it. I’m still a newlywed myself–just celebrated our second anniversary–but I have learned a lot in two years of marriage. I wish I had known a LOT more about sex before I got married. My mom talked with me a little, my parents gave us two books (“The Act of Marriage” and “Intended for Pleasure”) which were incredibly helpful, and I’m thankful for those resources. But I was still really naive about what TO do after I got married, even though I’d been well instructed in what NOT to do before marriage.
A lot of my friends are getting married too, now, and I’ve offered to my girlfriends to share with them what I’ve learned–I don’t want anyone else starting marriage as in-the-dark as I was. I realize that I’m probably in the minority, but among the Christian community (especially very conservative Christians, plus I was homeschooled), I think sex is too much of a taboo topic. We need to educate young people on how great sex IS, within marriage, and not scare them so much that their future marriages suffer as a result.
I’m thankful for a kind and patient husband who is lovingly learning with me in the sexual part of our relationship (and all other aspects, of course). One thing my mom did tell me that was very encouraging is that sex just keeps getting better the longer you’re married (she and my dad are going on 26 years)!
My church has made this a priority, doing message series on these topics and hosting a marriage retreat every year that has often focused on sex, so I feel blessed in my own little community. But you’re right, I don’t think Christian’s talk about the “whys” and “how to’s” amongst each other nearly enough. Thanks for pulling together some great resources for us to check out, Kathryn. I appreciate the work you’ve gone to in preparing this post as well. It’s great to have it linked up over at my place, my friend. It’s a great topic!
I commend you for tackling the subject. You’re right, it’s not an easy one to discuss especially in an uplifting and constructive way. Great job!
Also, I’m happy to be your newest follower! I’d love it if you could take a second to check out my blog and follow me back 🙂
Thanks so much,
Preach on Sister!! This is wonderful and I love that you are starting the conversation. Although I came from a sex positive Christian household, it took awhile for me to figure out how powerful sexual intimacy is for the marriage relationship. My blog focuses on the low libido wife. Keep singing out your message. God created sex and ordained it.