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I know the latest few posts haven’t been my best. It seems they have caused quite a stir, from all the comments, emails, and facebook messages I have gotten. People either agree, are critical, or disagree in love, all of which believe it or not, I welcome. I want people do share their honest thoughts, and sometimes even if it’s something I may not want to hear, it may be something I need to hear.
I apologize if sharing what was on my heart offended or hurt someone. My blog is a place for me to vent, as well as write encouraging words, writing has always been a way to deal with things that came my way whether through a personal diary or blog or not. I feel that too many people pretend to be perfect, they think they need to be happy all the time and that it’s never ok to have a bad day. I have to say I disagree, everyone has a bad day, no one is perfect, including me. But while trying to “keep it real” here on my blog, I may have gone too far, and I’m sorry. I never wanted to ruin my testimony or give people a bad perception of me, just be honest about things I was going through and thoughts going on inside my head.
In saying all that, I feel it’s time to write a post counting all the things I have had to be thankful for during this TDY, and the things I’ve learned as well. I had planned on doing this all along, I just have not had a moment to write it yet. I have kept an ongoing list on my phone so I wouldn’t forget.
Things I’m Thankful for This TDY:
1. Even though Jon’s accident caused so much trouble with the car and cost us money, I am SO thankful he was not hurt!
A few weeks before my husband left on TDY he was hit by a car. It was really no one’s fault, just an accident, but our car was so damaged it cost over $4,000. to fix it (Thankfully the insurance paid for most of that). My husband was so blessed not to be hurt more than a sore neck for a couple of hours. He planned on seeing a doctor the next day, but woke up feeling fine the next morning, praise God! Even though the car caused so much trouble for me while he was gone, none of that matters in comparison to not having Jon.
2. We were able to get our car back with one day to spare before we had to start paying for our rental or go without a car.
When they were fixing our car, they thought it would only take a few weeks. But the more they fixed, the more they continued to find, and so we had to continue to keep the rental we had been using. Then even after I got the car back, there was more wrong with it so I had to take it back and get a rental again! When we finally returned the rental again for good, we found out it was with one day to spare, or we would of had to start paying for it as the insurance only pays for one month. I probably would have had to go without a car, and I am so thankful that did not happen!
3. I have really enjoyed my time with just me and Adam.
I know this may sound weird, but I feel like Adam and I have grown closer this past month, and that I may even know him better. I know I am home with him everyday alone even when Jon is home and at work, but it has been nice having some mommy-son time.
4. I’ve become a little bit more stronger of a person.
I believe the things you go through make you into the person you are, and this TDY I definitely have learned a lot. Yes, I have trouble handling stress at times, but handling the things that come my way, can only make me stronger. “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13
5. I have had so many people help me out when I needed it.
Even though I feel bad asking for help, sometimes it’s unavoidable. I had so many people come together, and offer to help us out, when I needed a ride, a babysitter, or just someone to talk to. Thank you all who helped and thank you all who offered! It was a huge load off my mind knowing that someone somewhere would be able to help me if needed.
What I’ve Learned this TDY:
I’ve learned a lot this past month, a lot of which I am not even sure I can put into words. Several days before my husband left I prayed and begged God to change me. I wasn’t talking about during this TDY specifically but more generally on a daily basis. I have known for awhile that it was time for a change. Time for a change in my attitude, a change in the way I live, and in my life, my marriage, motherhood, everything. I didn’t want to ask God to change anyone else, not my husband, not my friends, not my family, but ME and me alone. Because change starts with yourself first. As you can see, God has been and still is working in my life. When you ask God to do something, watch out because He sure will bring the exact things you need into your life to show you or make you do what you have asked. Will I ever be where I want to be? No, of course not. We are constantly changing and growing, but the point is to change and grow into a better person, not a bad example. God is most certainly working in my life, and I look forward to the continuing changes making and molding me into who He wants me to be.
Not only was I looking for change, but I knew I needed to learn to be more independent. Growing up, I always was dependent on others because of how shy I was. When I was a teenager, I was too shy to go and get applications to find a job, so I asked my mom to do it. She did until she realized I needed to learn to do it myself. I usually never went anywhere unless I knew a family member or friend was with me or would be there. I really disliked being alone. College changed all that for me. I was left alone knowing no one, thousands of miles from home. It was then I had to gear into independent mode because that was the only thing to do. It helped me become less shy and learn how to be on my own. Then I met Jon. That is when my independence slowly started to fade into the background again. I had someone again, someone to depend upon and lean on.
But recently I heard or read something that made me think. I realized that all along I have been depending heavily upon my husband, upon others. And you know what? They are just human, they are going to fail, they are going to disappoint, the person I should be leaning on is God. He will never leave me or forsake me. I realized that while I should love my husband, he cannot always be there for every little thing, and yes at times he may disappoint me, but God is the one who can give me everything I need. I need to lean on Him, put all my expectations on Him because He will never disappoint me. When we get married it’s easy to expect our spouse to be there for all our needs, but they just can’t. I realized I need to go to God with all my hurts, and not depend on my husband to fix everything for me.
I will admit, one of the things that scared me the most about this TDY and even about deployment, was the being alone and being independent. This TDY, I had to be independent. I had to take charge, do what I needed to do, and depend only on God, because my husband was not here to hold my hand every step of the way. God is good and He walked with me every step of the way, even on the days when it was hard for me to see that.
3. Finding Who I Am
In all these things that have happened over the past month, I have realized that I may not know who I really am or who I want to be. Too many times I have bent myself to people’s expectations, and either became or wanted to become someone I really wasn’t. Too often I look around me and want to be like others or wish I was like others. I wish for things that maybe God just doesn’t have for me because He did not create me that way. Instead of looking around me I need to look to God to show me how to be the person I already am. I need to look to Him to create in me the person He wants me to be. I don’t want to be someone’s else’s perception of “perfect” I just want to be me. And I think I may have lost that somewhere along the way. So now I am on a quest to find God’s perfect will, to find me. I may not like what I find, but I will always end up where I’m supposed to be.
While everything I have listed here is great, and really is something I have learned, it does not mean I will always remember it. I am an imperfect person living in an imperfect world. But with God’s help, I will strive to do my best. to live for Him, and not myself. Thank you for reading.
(If you wrote me a comment, sent me an email, or facebook message over the past few weeks, please know that I have read every single one and plan on replying to all, it just may take a little while. Thanks so much!)