And the Recovery Goes on…

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I know I have been out of the loop as far as blogging lately, and I do miss it a lot. I miss writing and reading blogs. I have been busy with a very special baby though, and I am glad to be taking care of him! I also have been dealing with some things in my life, and I am just needing a place to kind of vent and write my thoughts.

If you remember my post about Recovering From Birth, you may remember all the things I have been through after I had Adam. I had an awful rash for about three weeks, a bacterial infection, plus all the healing from my fourth degree tare. As far as the healing, I am doing great. My doctor was so happy with how I healed and was really amazed at how well everything is now. As for the bacterial infection after trying several different antibiotics, one of them finally worked, I still have terrible scars from where the sores were though, and at times they still itch.
Right after I was finishing up my antibiotics, I started getting another type of infection. The doctor checked for yeast, but didn’t find much. I have been on several medications, but nothing has really helped. I also have developed several more weird bumps and rashes at random places on my body. I have a rash just on the back of my legs behind my knees, random I know.
I am still seeing a doctor for all this, but right in the middle of my wonderful OB, (whom I have been seeing all along) treating me for all this, I find out my referral is done with her since I am not pregnant anymore and I have to go to the on base clinic. I won’t get into the why and how much I hate the on base clinic, but let’s just say they have no idea in the world what they are doing. I make an appointment anyways, because after arguing with the base and tricare they tell me the only way to get a referral back to the OB I have been seeing is to go to the clinic. I get there and I see the doctor, but she can’t examine me because of some of the meds I had been on a cream prevented her from doing so. She refuses to give me a referral to my other doctor, even though she has been treating me all these months after birth, and knows everything that has happened, and all the medications I have been on.
I had to make another appointment to see her, and am still waiting to find out what is going on with me. Meantime, I was able to convince tricare to change my PCM to someone off-base, and am able to see her after Sept. 1. I am hoping that I will get better care there. It’s just the wait that is driving me crazy.
I am just so tired of dealing with all this. I just want to enjoy being with my little boy and taking care of him. I feel like it has been forever since I have been really happy, and been myself, and I just want to get back to a normal life.
Part of me asks God what did I ever do wrong to deserve all this? I look at all the other women having babies, who only days after are back to normal doing their thing, and going out and having fun, and I get jealous. I just wish I could fast forward through all this and get back to my normal life. The doctor gave me leave to go back to all normal activities a few weeks ago, but I still have not been able to because of all this, and it’s affecting my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my little boy more than anything in the world, and would do all of this again for him, but I just wish it was done and over with. I am sick of dealing with doctors, sick of taking medication after medication, just sick of being sick and in pain, and not being able to do much at all. I am sick of worrying and being fearful over what my symptoms might be or what I may have. I make myself sick at times with irrational fears, and worrying over all this. My husband has been trying so hard to help me, but he told me just feels useless now, and there is nothing he can really do to help me. He said he misses me and wants me to be back to normal and happy again. I am trying, I really am, but it’s just hard to ignore everything that is going on.
I know a lot of people commented on my post about recovering from birth that I was a strong woman, but I really am not. I obsess over all of this, I worry constantly and give in to all the fears that I have. It is driving my husband crazy to the point that we have argued about it, because he thinks I need to get on with life and ignore all this, and I just can’t let it go. I know I have had issues in the past with anxiety, and I am starting to wonder if maybe all the hormones and everything from the pregnancy has made things worse. I am considering getting counseling and I hope that things will get better. I try not to worry because if I do I can’t sleep or sometimes even eat. I cling to the fact that I know God is with me, and I read the psalms to try and calm me down. I feel at times as though God as forgotten me, but I know He hasn’t. I think He is trying to teach me something, I just can’t figure out what it is yet.
I appreciate all my friends who come to visit or ask me to hang out. It has kept me from going crazy and kept my mind of things some. Keeping busy is the only way to get my mind of these things right now, and I just hope that things can only get better from here.

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  1. You are strong, so strong, really you are. And I pray for you every day. There is a reason for all of this, and eventually you will know why.

  2. Praying that you will get just the right care and relief from all your symptoms soon. Even without all of your difficulties, it took me awhile to feel "normal" again after having my first daughter – thanks to hormones and the changes that come about with caring for a little one. I do know your precious baby is blessed to have you as his mother.

  3. You're not alone… I haven't even made it through birthing my daughter yet and I am so ready to just go back to my "normal" life and feeling like myself again. I'm tired of doctors appointments daily, countless medications, IVs and just not having control over my own body. I love my daughter and I know I will go through this all over again to have another child, but I am just over it. I'll be praying for you!

  4. I still need to go read and find out all that you're dealing with, but here's a few things to remember….1. it's not all sun shine and roses for all mom's in the beginning, even if you see them with a smile on their face and going about life normally, some of them are dealing with traumatic post partum depression, and other things so not to be too "motherly" just remember you never know what another's going through, even if they say all is great or it appears that way. Some are just not as honest and/or open about it.
    Please remember you ARE post partum and it takes a few months for all your hormone's to even out, talking to a councelor or minister isn't a bad thing, but remember your hormones are not even right now and it will take time, even though it's very hard emotionally and you at times feel like you're losing complete control.

    I'm praying that your new PCM will be better. You have nothing to explain to us who are military, we know there are a lot of bad apples in with the few good ones and military or not, when you find a good dr you don't want to let them go and it stinks when you have to.

    I am praying for wisdom for your new PCM that they will recognize what you're dealing with and know exactly how to treat it.

  5. It's hard to watch a friend or loved one go through a storm, but the storms lead to rainbows and a closer walk with the Master, so I'm not praying for immediate healing for you, but that God has His way with you. I WILL pray for your strength to endure! I bled, and bled, and bled after having second born. I couldn't even hold my baby unless I was sitting down. It was HORRIBLE! I had to have an examination (down there) and bled and bled on the table. You wanna talk about miserable? Girrrrrl, I wanted to die, BUT GOD….

    Need I say more? I love ya!

  6. The only thing I can really tell you is that I will continue to pray for you! As long as you remember that God is always there you should be just fine, but I will definitely continue to pray! I hope you're better soon.

  7. kathryn, i'm so so sorry you're going through this. it seems like every time you post you get about a hundred suggestions for ways to fix your problems, so i won't offer any advice. just know that i'm praying for you and i hope things get better soon.


  8. Kathryn, honey, I'm so sorry for all that you're experiencing right now. Your candor about your feelings really does show how strong you are! Can you see that? Not everyone is able to do that. I wish I was right there and could give you a giant hug! Baby blues are so hard, but all of your physical symptoms on top of that is hard to imagine. Will definitely be praying for you, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. God is always faithful, even when we're too scared or overwhelmed to even pray. He loves you that much! I will pray for you even harder because I pray for you daily anyway! I pray that God will wrap you up in His peace. Love you! Kim Reed

  9. I would definitely recommend talking to someone, though I would say don't go to the military doctors with it. I would find a pastor or Christian counselor. I had some issues with post partum depression myself. And there are many different 'levels' of it too. The military's doctors only made me feel worse about myself honestly, for them it was so clinical and just not very personal, nor could they understand the things I said about God, not truly.
    You will be in my prayers!!

  10. I went through something very similar while recovering from M's birth. I had a pretty bad tear and it took upwards of 6-8 weeks to stop hurting. I also had a really bad rash on my tummy that no one seemed to be able to pinpoint the cause of. And, I had severe anxiety. I was so scared about all the bad things that seemed to be going wrong or what could continue to go wrong with my healing. I really feel like you described almost exactly what I went through!

  11. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I can't even imagine. You're in my prayers (and your little family). I know God is with you and will carry you through. Hope you feel better soon!

  12. I'm a new reader and have enjoyed finding another Christian military wife blog! Hang in there! You're right–God is trying to teach you something. I have no doubt that once you're through all of this, you're going to be able to use your personal experience to help another mom in the future who is going through something similar. My mom died suddenly in February, and I still cry often–but that's for my loss. She's in eternal glory with our Savior, so I try to focus on that. Also, I've been able to share my experience with others who are going through losses. It's invaluable to be able to tell someone that you know exactly what they're going through.

  13. This will all pass. Just be happy you have a happy and healthy child. One who hasn't been in the hospital for months, had several surgeries and needs to go to doctors all the time.

  14. I'm praying that God will give you peace and comfort in the midst of the storm. I'm also praying that you will be connected with the right doctor that can bring resolution to the physical and emotional issues that you've been enduring for two months.

    Hold on Kathryn, God is going to show himself strong in this situation. Just hold on and don't let go…

  15. I'm so sorry to hear things have been rough for you since your little guy was born! I wont say I know how you feel, because I never had complicated recoveries after my children were born, but I can sort of relate to feeling frustrated by not having things turn out the way you envisioned them…

    When Vivi was born 6 weeks early she wasn't able to come home with us right away. We were fortunate that she never had to go to the NICU, she was able to be in the special care nursery instead because she was pretty stable from the beginning- she was just *tiny* and needed help learning how to eat/swallow on her own, and needed some extra time before she was able to maintain her body temp and things like that. You'd think I would have been nothing but positive about it seeing as, really, she was doing so well considering what else could have gone wrong, but because she was our last baby I had all these dreams for how I wanted it to be when she was born. I wanted it to be the *perfect* experience (after all I had learned the previous 2 times) and none of it ended up happening…I couldn't nurse her, couldn't hold her for much of the day, had to go home without her. It was upsetting to me. We were also in a strange position because in the special care nursery she was the littlest baby who was "struggling" the most- all the other families we saw were there for hours or only a few days and then they'd go right home with their baby. We were there for weeks. NOTHING in the scheme of life! But it still made me sort of pessimistic. Silly I guess, because if I had walked into the NICU down the hall I would have been thanking my lucky stars that things were going as well as they were for us!

    In the same way, even though things could be so much worse in your case (thank goodness it's you and not him having such trouble, right?) I think your feelings are still valid and you should have some room to complain and vent without feeling guilty. Especially in the few months after giving birth, with all your hormones flooding your system, it probably feels like an enormous weight that's never going to be lifted. I can totally see feeling sort of jealous of the women you know that have had easy recoveries, out with their babies and feeling great by the 3rd day. It's tough to feel like you've missed out on something most people take for granted 🙁

    I said a little prayer for you! Hope you're able to find a Dr who gets to the bottom of it all soon so you can start feeling better!

  16. First of all, I'm praying that you get some relief very very soon. I can't imagine how awful you feel and to not be getting a normal amount of rest probably only makes it worse.

    Second, PLEASE vent!!! I can tell you're a strong woman, but you're also human. You're hurting and concerned and worried. It's okay to let that out. Motherhood is such a strange mix of fear and uncertaintly anyway, with all these added issues, it's no wonder you feel so down.

    God knows your fears! And he works all things for GOOD. Though you may not understand the WHY of all this until we're in Heaven, one day you'll know.


  17. Praying for you! No mom bounces back that quickly! They have you fooled 🙂

    We all struggle.. so much! I did.

    My thyroid was way off after my second child. Maybe get that checked.


    Love you!


  18. Wow, I didn't realize how much you've been going through! Thankfully it's not us who need to be strong, but the strength of the Lord which sustains us. I will pray that He will continue to make himself greater in you, and that your healing will be made complete! (Those precious little babes are truly worth every penny though, aren't they?!)

  19. OMGsh hun I am so sorry you are going through all of this 🙁 I really hope that you start to feel better again soon! I cannot even begin to imagen what you are going though. I have yet to be seen on base, but I have heard that they suck and it kinda scares me to make an appt. Like I am actually scared to get sick! I really hope that this new doctor will be better for you and you will be back to your old self! Just keep your chin up and stay strong 🙂

  20. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I am still praying for you and your family. I hope this last week was better for you. And tomorrow is Sept. 1st so you can go to the doctor soon!
    I love the blog design too!

  21. Kathryn, I'm so sorry that I haven't been around much ever since Adam was born! My life has been so crazy, but I have been thinking about you often! I'm sorry I'm just now seeing this. I didn't realize how much you have been going through since his birth! I can't even imagine what this has been like for you after longing for this time for so long! This is certainly not what you had been dreaming about, I'm sure! I will definitely start praying for you right now. I feel awful that I didn't know about all this sooner so I could've been praying! I hope you have been able to see another doctor by now! Yikes! Oh my, I just feel so bad for you! Hugs!

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