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I know I have been out of the loop as far as blogging lately, and I do miss it a lot. I miss writing and reading blogs. I have been busy with a very special baby though, and I am glad to be taking care of him! I also have been dealing with some things in my life, and I am just needing a place to kind of vent and write my thoughts.
If you remember my post about Recovering From Birth
, you may remember all the things I have been through after I had Adam. I had an awful rash for about three weeks, a bacterial infection, plus all the healing from my fourth degree tare. As far as the healing, I am doing great. My doctor was so happy with how I healed and was really amazed at how well everything is now. As for the bacterial infection after trying several different antibiotics, one of them finally worked, I still have terrible scars from where the sores were though, and at times they still itch.
Right after I was finishing up my antibiotics, I started getting another type of infection. The doctor checked for yeast, but didn’t find much. I have been on several medications, but nothing has really helped. I also have developed several more weird bumps and rashes at random places on my body. I have a rash just on the back of my legs behind my knees, random I know.
I am still seeing a doctor for all this, but right in the middle of my wonderful OB, (whom I have been seeing all along) treating me for all this, I find out my referral is done with her since I am not pregnant anymore and I have to go to the on base clinic. I won’t get into the why and how much I hate the on base clinic, but let’s just say they have no idea in the world what they are doing. I make an appointment anyways, because after arguing with the base and tricare they tell me the only way to get a referral back to the OB I have been seeing is to go to the clinic. I get there and I see the doctor, but she can’t examine me because of some of the meds I had been on a cream prevented her from doing so. She refuses to give me a referral to my other doctor, even though she has been treating me all these months after birth, and knows everything that has happened, and all the medications I have been on.
I had to make another appointment to see her, and am still waiting to find out what is going on with me. Meantime, I was able to convince tricare to change my PCM to someone off-base, and am able to see her after Sept. 1. I am hoping that I will get better care there. It’s just the wait that is driving me crazy.
I am just so tired of dealing with all this. I just want to enjoy being with my little boy and taking care of him. I feel like it has been forever since I have been really happy, and been myself, and I just want to get back to a normal life.
Part of me asks God what did I ever do wrong to deserve all this? I look at all the other women having babies, who only days after are back to normal doing their thing, and going out and having fun, and I get jealous. I just wish I could fast forward through all this and get back to my normal life. The doctor gave me leave to go back to all normal activities a few weeks ago, but I still have not been able to because of all this, and it’s affecting my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my little boy more than anything in the world, and would do all of this again for him, but I just wish it was done and over with. I am sick of dealing with doctors, sick of taking medication after medication, just sick of being sick and in pain, and not being able to do much at all. I am sick of worrying and being fearful over what my symptoms might be or what I may have. I make myself sick at times with irrational fears, and worrying over all this. My husband has been trying so hard to help me, but he told me just feels useless now, and there is nothing he can really do to help me. He said he misses me and wants me to be back to normal and happy again. I am trying, I really am, but it’s just hard to ignore everything that is going on.
I know a lot of people commented on my post about recovering from birth that I was a strong woman, but I really am not. I obsess over all of this, I worry constantly and give in to all the fears that I have. It is driving my husband crazy to the point that we have argued about it, because he thinks I need to get on with life and ignore all this, and I just can’t let it go. I know I have had issues in the past with anxiety, and I am starting to wonder if maybe all the hormones and everything from the pregnancy has made things worse. I am considering getting counseling and I hope that things will get better. I try not to worry because if I do I can’t sleep or sometimes even eat. I cling to the fact that I know God is with me, and I read the psalms to try and calm me down. I feel at times as though God as forgotten me, but I know He hasn’t. I think He is trying to teach me something, I just can’t figure out what it is yet.
I appreciate all my friends who come to visit or ask me to hang out. It has kept me from going crazy and kept my mind of things some. Keeping busy is the only way to get my mind of these things right now, and I just hope that things can only get better from here.