How to Keep Your Kids From Fighting in the Backseat
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Itâs finally the first day of school. Your children are so excited, they took forever to fall asleep last night. They struggled this morning over what to wear. They barely picked at that healthy breakfast you got up early to make for them. Their excitement is tinged with nervousness, naturally. And who better to take it out on than their brother or sister, sitting next to them in the back seat?
Mason: âI wonder what Mrs. Jones will be like. Is she strict?â
Savannah: âSheâs mean. All the kids say so.â
Mason: âOh, no! I hope sheâll like me.â
Savannah: âShe wonât. Nobody likes you.â
Mason: âThey do, too! Last year, Mrs. Wright liked me!â
Savannah: âThatâs because youâre a goody two-shoes. And they donât really like
Mason: âMom! Do people like me?
Mom: âOf course they do, Mason. Savannah, stop being mean to your brother. Letâs everybody be nice and have a nice drive to the first day of school.â
Savannah: âIâm just telling the truth.â (Makes a nasty face at Mason.)
Mason: âYou meany!â (Shoves at Savannah)
Savannah: âMooommmmm! He hit me!â
Mom (Yelling): âOkay, thatâs it! No TV tonight for either of you. And no more talking! If you canât say anything nice, then donât say anything at all!â
Before you know it, youâre yelling. By the time they get out of the car, the kids are sullen. Your plans for a peaceful start to the day just evaporated before your eyes. Backseat bickering can completely ruin your morning.
Luckily, there are things you can do to turn the tide when the tone gets tense in your car.
4 Ways to Keep Your Kids From Fighting
1. Calm yourself.
Itâs natural to get angry when your children are mean to each other. But indulging your temper just inflames the storm. Instead, remember that your goal is restore a sense of safety for both children. So take a deep breath and remind yourself that thereâs no emergency. Your tone will be warmer and more soothing, which gives you a chance to calm the storm.
2. Connect With Both Children, Using Empathy.
Most of the time, kids bicker when theyâre worried, bored, or still mad about something that happened previously. If you address the reason, you can stop the fight before it starts.
3. Set Limits and Enforce Family Rules About Kindness.
Every home needs a few clear rules about how people in the family treat each other, and âWeâre kindâ is one of the most important. Interrupt unkind remarks to set a clear standard for civility. All children will get mad at each otherâconflict is a part of every human relationshipâbut they can be encouraged to express their needs and wants without attacking the other person. Of course, when you set the limit, stay kind yourself. Children learn from our role-modeling how to handle the problems they have with other people. And theyâre more likely to follow your limits if you can stay connected while you set them.
4. Get Your Kids Laughing by Saying Something Ridiculous.
When kids are anxious, they tend to lash out. Take the edge off their worry by getting them laughing, which transforms their body chemistry, reducing stress hormones and increasing âfeel-goodâ neurotransmitters. Of course, you donât want them to feel ridiculed, so first empathize with their concerns. And make yourself the object of the humor, so theyâre not laughing at each other. This also helps your children work through the universal fear that they themselves might get laughed at.
How to put that all together? Letâs rewind.
Mason: âMom! Do people like me?â
Mom: (Taking a deep breath and intentionally calming her voice) âMason, itâs natural to be a little worried on the first day of school. You had a great year last year with Mrs. Wright. She loved having you in her class. You can make it a great year this year in Mrs. Jonesâ class, too, even though there will be new things to get used to.â
(Setting the limit and empathizing at the same time) âSavannah, I hear you saying things that could be hurtful to Mason. I wonder if you might be a little worried, too. The first day of school is hard on everyone. I would love to hear how youâre feeling about starting fourth grade.â
Savannah: âMom, Iâm just telling the truth. Some of the teachers ARE mean.â
Mom: âI understand that not all the teachers are as nice as Mrs. Brown from last year. But all of them want to help you learnâŚâŚSavannah, it sounds like you might be a bit nervous about what YOUR new teacher will be like.â
Savannah: âMom, fourth grade is hard. They give you lots of homework. Thatâs what all the kids say.â
Mom: (Empathizing and reassuring, but encouraging Savannah to share more concerns) âIt could be worrisome, to hear that from the other kids. Donât worry, I will help you to manage your homework. What do you know about your teacher?â
Savannah: âMr. More? The kids say heâs funny. But mom, what if heâs mean?â
Mom: âThatâs scary to think aboutâŚ.But Honey, he could turn out to be great, your favorite teacher of all. We just donât know yet. Itâs okay to be a little worried, but why not hope for the best? I have an idea for both of you. Why donât we all take three deep breaths, and make a loud ahhh when we let them out? That will calm us down. Then you can go into the school feeling more hopeful.â
Mason and Savannah: (together): âMom, youâre weird!â
Mom: âThatâs meâŚ.the optimistic weird mom! Do you think I should come into the school and sit and do my deep breathing in the front hall? Would that calm everyoneâs first day jitters?â
Mason and Savannah: (laughing): âMom, thatâs crazy! Donât you dare!â
Mom: âOkay, I wonât do that. But letâs do it now… three deep breaths. I want to hear your loud ahhh when you let your breath out, okay? Can you two work together to make a louder noise than me?â
Notice what Mom did here to turn this around? She set a limit on the mean teasing. She empathized with both children, even the one who was starting the fight. She got them laughing to defuse the tension. And gave her kids a tool to manage the emotions that were otherwise driving them to fight with each other.
If youâve never done this before, you might want to put a little cheat sheet in your
Calm yourself.
Connect with both children using empathy.
Set limits and enforce family rules about kindness.
Get your kids laughing by saying something ridiculous.
It takes practice, but youâll see immediate results, and youâll gain confidence over time. You might even find yourself putting up the same cheat sheet in your kitchen!
Great advise. I think 3 and 4 are the most useful- and generally work great with younger kids. But If I am not feeling number one, it is all over! LOL.
Great advise. I think 3 and 4 are the most useful- and generally work great with younger kids. But If I am not feeling number one, it is all over! LOL.