I Don’t Want To

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He was supposed to be home today. Got the news last week that he wouldn’t be. Sure, I know these things change, but what’s wrong with hoping this one thing wouldn’t change? That this one thing would stay right? Sure, it’s only delayed a little bit – if it doesn’t change again, but to me it feels like another eternity. I’m done.




I don’t want to do this anymore…

I don’t want to be strong anymore.

I don’t want to hear people ask me when he’s coming home anymore.

I don’t want to be a single parent anymore.

I don’t want to hurry up and wait.

I don’t want to be  patient.

I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything.

I don’t want to stay home in this silent house anymore.

I don’t want to try and post upbeat Facebook statuses.

I don’t want to pretend everything is ok.

I don’t want to make it through another week.

I don’t want to make it through another day without him.

I don’t want to. But I will.

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  1. Yes, you will. You are strong, even in moments of defeat and “I don’t want to.” I have been there and know the feeling and am hopeful you can get to the “I want to…” stage ASAP.

  2. oh, thinking of you friend! You will feel so proud once he is home and it’s all over and you made it through! I’ll be praying for you 🙂

  3. I was just feeling this way!!! Hubby was gone and kids on spring break and it was just a tough TAD and then he called and said he had work to do before he could come home. I stopped listening and decided to just put my big girl pants on make it a few more hours. I think every military spouse out there has felt like this at one point or another. Thank you for putting it into words and sharing!

  4. Sorry I know the feeling. But you can do it, even if you dont want to. And in the end
    when your in his arms everything will be complete and whole and it wont matter!

  5. I stumbled onto your blog through military spouse central. thanks so much for posting this. i’ve been going through exactly what you posted every so often. my boyfriend is also in the air force and has been gone for almost two years now. i’ve gotten tired of my parents asking when he’ll be home. i think they’re ready to see me with someone else who can physically be around since i think, in their minds, im too young to be in this situation waiting (i’m 24). and that hurts. they never got the chance to meet him before he deployed. (neither did i, for that matter.) we were chatting online for only a few weeks before he got deployed from colorado (i’m from texas). they think i’m insane for not meeting him either. long story short, i’ve just been so tired and ready to give up. but i keep stumbling upon blogs like yours filled with posts like this. and it helps me keep going.

    thanks for sharing your life with others,

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