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When we become a parent, we feel as though we have somewhat achieved this control; we now get to say no!
The problem is this: these precious children I think I have so much control over, are not always right by my side. They go to school, church, and other places where I have no control and I cannot protect them.
The truth is….”I” am not in control….I thought my daughter was safe and protected. I thought I had a plan of what our life was going to be like once she was born. I heard her strong and healthy heartbeat….I thought she was coming home.
I have had a lot of “alone” time as my children have been back in school. So many times I found myself thinking of my little girl that “should” be here. I think of how busy I should be with a two year old right now instead of aimlessly wondering what my other children might be doing.
I think back to the moment Bethany was born. I had so many plans for her life. She many plans for our family… I never planned for her to be stillborn, and I never thought it was part of God’s plan for her. It was easy to be angry and mad at first. I felt robbed of what I thought I was supposed to have. What I thought I had the right to have.
As a mother, I thought that my children were mine, ALL MINE. From the moment I knew there was a life inside of me, I was bonded so deeply. It was not until Bethany died, that God made me see….I AM NOT IN CONTROL. They are ALL HIS children. I am simply the one He blessed to be their mother.
God is the maker and creator of ALL life. He makes NO mistakes. I have no say in any of my children’s life’s and how long I get to be with them. These days are numbered according to the plans God has in store for them; each of them.
I finally learned that God had a plan for my sweet Bethany, and she lived exactly as long as God planned her life to be…37 weeks inside my belly! Through her death, He can and will be praised.
All four of my children are a gift from my Heavenly father, and I was chosen to guide them and lead them in His direction, NOT to choose the life they may or may not live. I will not live in fear when my children are not with me because they are in the hands of my Lord and Savior.
Are you still craving that control in your own life or are you willing to give control back to the creator who has your life perfectly planned?”
“I am a thirty year old wife and mother of four children. I thought I had life figured out until my forth child was stillborn at 37 weeks, and my world came crashing down around me. I have been in Church my entire life, but have never had my faith tested like this before. My husband Brad and I have been married for ten years and he has been my rock throughout this battle in our lives. This journey has truly changed us forever as we are learning to live life again with our children. I now vow to help others see that life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, but about learning to dance in the rain.”
Amy blogs at http://myangelwithgod.blogspot.com/ and has published a book called, “Still in My Arms” which you can view and buy here.
thanks so much for this post Kathryn…S wasn't stillborn but i can relate to Amy as i've never had my faith tested before the way it has been in the past year. it is SO hard to give up control and just trust God that everything will be okay. but even in the midst of profound heartache, i can still worship Him and love Him because i do know He is in control and works all things into good for those who really do love Him <3
This is a beautifl post. Amy, thank you for sharing these encouraging words. I am still learning to let go of control of my child. Sometimes it's hard to understand that God is letting me borrow this child for His glory. I pray everyday that I can live up to the role of "mother" that God has given to me.