Maybe I’m Crazy… Or Maybe it’s Deployment

Sometimes I wonder if I’m going crazy…

I now understand why some people call military life a roller coaster. The ups and downs of feelings and emotions can be crazy. It IS crazy. We are now down to the last 14% of this deployment. 14%!!! And the roller coaster of emotions I’m feeling is only just the beginning I’m sure.

Some days I am fine and happy and other days I want him home so bad I could scream. Sometimes while I’m laying there in bed I just picture our homecoming over and over and over in my head. The airport, the pictures, the hug and kiss, and going home. The airport the pictures, the hug and kiss and then going home. Over and over and over and over. I picture him home again, in our house again, holding his hand again, watching play with our son again. Doing stuff together again. Every. Little. Thing.

I wonder will he have changed? Have I changed? Will our marriage be different? Will we pick back up where we started? Sure it won’t be easy I know that, but I can’t help but picture all of these things, think about them, and imagine how they will turn out.

I wake up each day and I think, “Oh yeah another long day of staying home and doing nothing,” and I then think how I have just got to get out of this house. So I find things to do to keep me busy so my mind doesn’t explode. But at night when I’m home and it’s quiet it’s all I can think about. Sometimes I can’t even sleep. And when I do sleeep sometimes all I do is dream about it.

Sometimes I can feel the energy and the anxiety coursing through me, it make me feel like if I don’t get up and do something I am going to go crazy. So I put my energy into exercising or taking Adam to the park or cleaning. Anything to keep my mind off how many days and weeks we have left.

I haven’t been on Facebook much and I haven’t been blogging much either and this is why. If I don’t keep myself busy I will go crazy. I started a list of things to do before he gets home. Most of it is deep cleaning the house. But even that doesn’t keep me busy enough. Sometimes I would rather just be out of this house then be reminded how lonely I am here.

The next few weeks are going to prove interesting. I am doing everything I can to keep going and not stop to think about all the things we are going to do when he gets back. How I will feel, how Adam will feel, How HE will feel. It’s all too much to think about right now. I’m sure everything on my list will get done. It always does eventually. And eventually things will settle back down into our quiet settled life after he is home a little while. But until then, I have excitement and anxiety coursing through me. I have a roller coaster of feelings I don’t know what to do with. And I will get through this.