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Last week my son had an endoscopy. I have been wanting to blog about it before I forgot about everything because it was an important day for us and I think maybe it could help someone else who may have to go through the same thing or something similar.
I really struggled with this procedure more so than any other Adam’s had done. This one was a little more involved, and required that he be put under sedation. I was sick to my stomach thinking about my son laying there helpless while they stuck all kinds of things down his throat. I knew that it was a mostly harmless procedure, and that lots of people have had it done, but this was my baby and I was scared.
Handing over your son to a doctor you barely know, to do a procedure that could possibly be messed up is scary. Trust? How do you trust when something could go wrong? I prayed and prayed and asked God for peace, but I was still having a hard time letting go and the sick feeling in my stomach wasn’t helping.
We left the house at 6:45 in the morning to drive to the hospital. On the way one of the warning lights on our car dashboard came on making the trip more stressful than it already was. We got there and checked in and we were soon taken to a room with lots of beds. Adam was allowed to stay in his jammies which I was really happy about and the hospital staff at the children’s hospital was awesome. It was so nice to deal with people who worked with children every day and knew how to deal with them.
A lady brought in a bunch of toys for him to play with while we waited and several nurses came in and explained what was going to happen. They asked if we wanted to give Adam something to make him calm so the process would be easier, but I didn’t want to. He was acting fine so far. We continued to wait a really long time in a room with other people whose children were also getting endoscopies and/or colonoscopies.
When it was time to get his IV in there was a nurse, who blew bubbles and had toys to try to distract him. Bless her heart – she tried so hard, but Adam was so tense from crying and screaming that they could not get the IV in. They asked us again if they could give him something to make him calm.We decided it would probably be best. It didn’t put him to sleep, but just made him really mellow. He started giggling at nothing and it was so cute that my husband and I were shaking with laughter.
It took a long time for the medicine to take full effect so we waited awhile more before they put the IV in. After they got it in we went back to the bed to wait some more. Adam was frantic and tried to claw at his IV. They had to wrap it up real well so he could not get to it. He was pretty strong so the poor nurse had to keep wrapping it up and we tried to hide his arm so he would not see it and try to take it off.
When it finally came time for the procedure, we took him into another room and the anesthesiologist explained what was going to happen. I was feeling so nervous. I had never been put under sedation so I had no idea what to expect or even what it felt like. They gave him a little bit because he started to fight again and he calmed down a bit, but even in his half awake state he was still trying to get his IV out. Then they gave him the full dose and he fell right to sleep.
I was about to break down. I didn’t want to see him like that, but then they told me I could go give him a kiss before we left so I did. I barely made it out the door before the tears started pouring down my cheeks. I’m sure all the nurses thought I was insane, but my husband was great and gave me a hug and then tried to distract me while we waited.
ADAM IS NOT MINE.
ADAM IS GOD’S.
I knew I needed to trust that everything would be fine, and I felt at peace again. 20 minutes later they brought Adam back and he slept for about an hour. He was so precious laying there sleeping, and it was a huge relief to see that he was ok. The doctor came and showed us the pictures and explained that he hadn’t seen anything that could be preventing him from eating and that nothing was wrong with his esophagus.
We were finally allowed to take him home about an hour and half later and while he still was a little loopy, everything else was back to normal. It was like a huge weight was taken off my shoulders.
As I was looking back on this experience and on several others that required trust in my life, I realized something. I realized that trusting God doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen. Trusting God means that when the bad things DO happen that God is there walking me through it, waiting for me to ask Him for help and to show me His plan. Trust is hard when you are a mother. You want to control what happens to your child. But we can’t. None of us can. All we can do is take God’s hand and trust that He knows what’s best for HIS child.
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” -Proverbs 3:5-6