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Probably very few of you of been with me on this blog since the very beginning. It started off with so much optimism and through the years of trials and tears, I’ve tried hard to find the sliver lining, the rainbow after the rain.
After six years of one thing after another, after struggling and struggling to stay above the water in everything we’ve been through, it felt like too much. After going through miscarriage, deployment, the special needs of my son, my medical problems, and now the medical complexities of my daughter, I wanted to give up. I didn’t want to give up on myself or my family, I wanted to give up on God.
I was tired. I was tired of the drama and the fake Christians, and tired of God seemingly not to care. I was tired of life’s circumstances, tired of people who thought they knew they had the answers, and tired of trying to figure out what it was God wanted from me. I thought I was done with Christianity and so-called “Christians.”
There was no lightening strike, or one exact moment where I can say I changed my mind. Maybe it was the post I read entitled, I Don’t Want to be a “Christian”, where I realized I wasn’t alone in my thoughts., maybe it was something else… Whatever it was, I realized this wasn’t what I wanted.
I am still a different person however, and I am done believing in the brand of Christianity that has been fed to me my whole life. I am done believing that if I only read the King James version of the Bible, wear skirts to church, never miss a Sunday service, and follow all the rules like a good little girl, then God will love me and be happy with me.
To be honest, I haven’t been in a church for months and neither has my family. We needed time. Time to adjust, time to figure out what we wanted. I knew I needed to figure things out for myself. Time to figure out what I believed and not what had been force-fed to me.
Now I have been researching churches and today we are going to go and try one. I’m not a fan of church shopping, it’s hard on the kids and hard to find one that fits our family’s needs. But one of the real reasons I’ve been holding back is because I’m afraid. Here’s why…
3 Reason I’m Afraid to go to Church
1. I’m Afraid of Bringing my Special Needs Kids.
This is the biggest reason that has kept me from going back to church. I have two special needs kids both with varying needs. It might not seem like a big deal to some, but it’s hard for me to let go and not worry about if everyone will understand my kids and their needs.
My daughter has a feeding tube and my son has autism. My son can be hard to understand when he talks and most people don’t understand that some of what he does is because his sensory system is overwhelmed. My daughter has a feeding disorder and many other medical complexities that we are still trying to figure out. She has choking spells and if not watched carefully, she will pull out her feeding tube.
She also has sensory processing disorder and is quite the whirlwind, if I had to pick I would say I am most afraid about leaving her. She’s my baby who has been hospitalized seven times and it’s hard for me to let go.
2. I’m afraid of the People I will find.
I have been hurt a lot in several different churches. Cliques and people who have judged me and said things about how I am raising my children and dealing with my two special needs kids. I have been hurt to the point where we have left the church.
I know that not all churches are like that, but the reality is that many are. I’m sick of the church people who believe if Christianity is not done “their way” or if you don’t follow a bunch of rules then you must not be a very good Christian. Churches need to wake up. People are sinful, they always will be. Thankfully there’s grace.
3. I’m Afraid I Won’t Find the Right Church.
I don’t want to go to the kind of church I grew up with or the kind of church where you are only allowed to dress a certain way, and never allowed to miss a service. I want to go to a church where they believe that no one is perfect, that God really, truly loves us and He’s not waiting up in Heaven for us to mess up so He can punish us.
I’m not looking for a big church or a mega church. I am not looking for a church where all they sing is hymns, but I am not looking for a church that feels like I am at a rock concert either. I am looking for church that believes in true grace, in fellowship and friendship no matter who you are. I am looking for love.
Churches like this are few and far between. We have found some churches like this over the years, but the search has been long. Hopefully as we start searching for churches here in our new state near our new home, we will find the right church for us.
If you are looking for another great post on this topic, check out Courtney Kirkland’s, Why People Quit the Church. It pretty much sums up how I feel, and I’m sure how a lot of others feel too.
What about YOU? How do you feel about church? Have you ever been afraid to go?