Marriage: The Best it Can Be
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I used to be jealous when I watched other young couples. They always seemed so happy, so perfect. The funny thing is that I was one of those married couples. I was happy in my marriage and I still am.
Why the jealousy you ask? I think it’s because I knew my marriage could be better, it wasn’t at it’s best. We are young, happy, but still have had a lot to learn over the 3 and a half years we’ve been married. And we are still learning every day.
I would say that even though we love each other we have each had moments of extreme selfishness. We have had moments of fighting, moments where we were unhappy with each other and maybe even annoyed. I used to be afraid of those moments. What did it mean? Was our marriage failing? I knew in my heart it wasn’t. I was still happy and in love, but I was scared. My fear comes from my parent’s divorce. I have struggled with it for years and bringing that baggage into my own marriage has brought intense fear that the same may happen to us.
Through counseling I have learned to deal with these fears and to see them for what they were: just fears that weren’t real. I have learned that your marriage is as good as you make it. Letting these fears control my marriage didn’t help. God is in control of our marriage He doesn’t want us to fail, but so are we. We are the ones that make the decisions and choices we do every day. We have the power to make decisions that are going to help our marriage or hurt our marriage. We can make our marriage the best we can, or we can bring it down with our thoughts, attitudes and actions.
As I read over a this blog post: Being Extraordinary in Marriage by The Momma Bird, I realized that that’s exactly how I have felt as of late. I respect my husband so much. I see him for who he is, all pretenses aside, and I love him all the same. He is there for me, and he helps me on a day to day basis as best he can. And when I look and see all that we have been through in the past 3 years and see how our love is grown. I am thankful. Thankful that through it all I have the power to make my marriage the best it can be.
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I do that ALL the time. I see happy giddy couples and get actually bitter over it… it’s pathetic. We have been married for 5 years (well, in 20 days is our 5 year anniv!) and we are still both very happy (I assume, and hope! I am anyways…) but we aren’t the giddy kissy kissy touchy touchy that we used to be. It doesn’t help that we generally each have a child in hand instead of holding each other. So it isn’t that we aren’t that happy couple anymore, we just have our arms full with the outcome of that love and happiness. Maybe when the newest outcome is sleeping through the night we will get back to *holding each other* – if you know what I mean… but right now he is working nights and I am technically working nights I guess too lol and it has just not happened since she has been born *sigh*
Marriage is not always sunshine and roses. I think newly weds go into it thinking it will be that way. But it’s hard, it takes work, nurturing and patience. I’m so glad that you are doing that and realizing what your marriage is and can become. Keep up the good work! Visiting from SITS today. đ
I think we all have these fears. I know I do, and they are only strengthened for those of us who have seen our parents go through divorce. My biggest fear is that my husband will wake up one day and just not want to be with me anymore (I know couples who have had this happen) – no warning, no counselling, no nothing. But we’ve talked about it, and he knows my fears, and we have committed to doing everything we can to save our marriage if it ever came to that. Still, it’s tough. You look at other couples and you see only the parts they want you to see – the affection, the sweetness. But we always have to remind ourselves that things are different when they’re in their own home, when they’re cranky and not on their best behaviour. And we just have to give each other leeway and forgive the selfish and childish bits, because the good (usually!) outweighs the annoying.
Loved reading this post – dropped by from Sharefest!
New visitor here. I have this renewed sense of love and respect to my husband recently. I am just not sure about the exact moment but it took me awhile. It is now our 6th year of marriage and add to that the 7 years that we dated, that means hubby and I had been together for 13 years! But there is a newfound excitement and elation in our relationship. I think it is God’s hand in this for I don’t think I could do it by myself. đ
I used to be terrified of getting married (right before our wedding-haha). I used to think, “No one gets married and things, ‘Oh, this is going to end in divorce.'” EVERYONE gets married and thinks their marriage is going to last…what is going to make mine any different?
But then I realized there were things I could bring into my marriage/do on a regular basis that would help set us up for success. Praying for my husband, communicating, physical intimacy, etc. I’m not saying that made me feel 100% better, but it certainly did help.
Thanks for posting this- it’s nice to know I’m not alone in those feelings of jealousy at those “lovey dovey” couples. đ
I’m a happy wife and married for 2 years! đ Marriage takes so much tine and effort. It is not easy but WORTH it! đ lovely post!
Visiting you from the Happy Wives Club Link Up.
I’m certain that my parent’s poor marriage and communication skills created a lot of anxiety in me in the early days, even though they never divorced. So I can only imagine that a divorce would do that and more, Kathryn, for you. But working through those fears, especially with the help of a counselor, is/was such a brave and wise thing to do. You’re willing to be proactive and that’s a sure sign of strength in your character and in the stability of your marriage. Thanks for being so open about your struggle and encouraging us all to make our marriages the best they can be!
I used to look at happy couples and feel that it had to be fake, or that it wouldn’t last. Now I understand that not only is it possible, but that I can have it. The times when I get fearful it helps me to know that it isn’t permanent, that I can allow myself to feel what I am feeling fully and then it evolves to a better feeling place. My parents are still very happily married, so I was lucky to have that model, but I do struggle because my first marriage ended so bitterly and I’m afraid of repeating the past. I heard a great quote that really helps keep me steady: “Fear and love are like oil and water, they displace one another.” Fear pushes love away and the only way to dissolve the fear is to extend love to yourself and others. Thank you for the reminder.
I’m not sure how I ended up seeing this older post from last year, but it was great to be reminded by your encouraging words. As a wife, I can only do my part. My husband is a good man, and I am grateful for him. But we are two imperfect people – and that plays into our marriage, like any other. We are all works in progress!!! As are our marriages. Amen!