His Unconditional Love Deserves my Trust
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Today, I need to share my heart in hopes that maybe this will help someone else… If I could be honest and share my struggles without judgment? I think you find that maybe you might relate!
For some people, trust comes easily, but for me? I have problems with trust. I don’t know why or how or even when it started, but I know I have them. I try to be in control, I try to control the situations around me and when I can’t I get overwhelmed and stressed. Instead of trusting in God the One who can give me peace at a moment’s notice, I try to do things my own way, over and over. This is my struggle.
God has proved Himself over and over in my life and yet he doesn’t even need to, He’s God. He shouldn’t have to. He should have my undying love and trust, no questions asked. God is finally dealing with me in this inner struggle with trust and I am realizing where my problems are coming from.
Trust: letting go and letting God. Such a simple little word and definition, but for some reason I can’t let go. I tell God, “Yes. I trust. I give You my life, You are in control.” But later I take control back. I trust him for some things, but not others. How can I trust God for my Salvation, but not trust Him in other areas of my life? He’s the same God, He doesn’t change, yet I am human and change my mind every day.
I’ve realized that my problems stem from my view of God. I’ve let my circumstances and the things I’ve learned growing up to get in the way of how I view God and my willingness to trust Him. God has been revealing this to me slowly through a book I’ve been reading recently and through my counseling and my husband.
I read this excerpt from that book the other night:
“How did I go from near despair- threatening to walk away from my faith in God forever- to giddy? I realized there could only be one explanation: God. He made good on His promise to love me, warts and all, and He showed up to meet me where I was-bitter and exhausted and spiritually out of gas. I offered him seven days, He offered me unconditional love for all eternity. And for the first time in my life, I realized it was okay to place value on all that He made me to be.
I realized I was worthy of His love because He made me in His own image! Sure, I’d known these things in my head, but I’d never believed them in my heart. Accepting this unconditional love in my heart made a huge difference in my life. The freedom I discovered on this journey has manifested itself over and over and over again.” –Confessions of a Prayer Slacker
And that has been me: “bitter and exhausted” only I didn’t realize it. I’ve been holding onto these things in my life and in my past and holding them over God’s head. I’ve been bitter over my parent’s divorce, my miscarriage, my health problems and my son’s health problems. I’ve not been able to trust because all I can see are the things where I’ve felt that God didn’t do “good enough.”
But He has. He has done so much for me, and I only have to stop focusing on all the bitter things that happened in my life and focus on what the Lord has done for me. When my view becomes unclouded, I realize that each of the things that God as allowed to come into my life are for a reason. He is always watching out for me and I need to accept His unconditional love.
The author of the excerpt above says, “Sure I’d known these things in my head, but I’d never believed them in my heart.” That is me. You hear about this “unconditional love” but you think what is it really? No human on earth can offer such love, so it’s hard to understand. But when I read the excerpt, tears poured down my face. There in the dark of my bedroom (I was reading on my phone), I realized that God loves ME. No matter if I miss church one Sunday, no matter if I forgot to read my Bible this morning, and even when I sin over and over. He loves me “warts” and all. He’s not standing up there thinking about what an evil person I am, He may be disappointed at times, but He still loves me very much.
It’s been hard to accept and understand. It’s been said before that a lot of people tend to view God in the same ways they have viewed their earthly father. If that is the case, then my view of God has been way off. My father and I have never really had a relationship. I grew up bitter and angry at him for everything he did and for everything he was. Because no matter what, I was never good enough. Never. And so I thought I could never be good enough in God’s sight. But that is why His unconditional love is so amazing. It’s not about being good it’s about the mercy and love He grants to us when we accept Him into our lives.
When I think about what I’ve recently learned and when I change my view of who God is, I can let go of the past and focus on the fact that God does not want to hurt me and that He has never failed me. Then I can trust. Everything I’ve been through in my life, is God’s way of saying, “Trust Me. Take My hand. I know what I’m doing and I have your best interests in mind.”
Tomorrow we go to the Marcus Center in Atlanta where the evaluation my son receives will tell us if we get the help we so desperately need for him or not. A week from tomorrow we hand over my son to a doctor we barely know (albeit a good doctor) to put him under and to do a pretty big procedure. These have been the hardest things for me to accept. But I know I am not alone. God is waiting for me to reach out, take His hand and say, “I’m trusting in You. You are in control.” All the questions in my mind can be laid to rest, all the “what ifs” if I only accept His love and trust in Him.
“Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery, how You gently lift me
When I am surrounded, Your love carries me“
Boy, I needed to read this today! The part you wrote about never being good enough really hit home with me. Sometimes, I think also that when we’ve been exposed to well meaning and sincere spiritual authorites, but who are misguided in placing emphasis on God’s judgment, it becomes out of balance. For me, that instilled a lot of fear, and at different points in my adult life, I felt like and did sometimes give up on God. My reasoning was that if I would never be perfect enough for Him anyway, why try? I know that sounds warped, but that’s just raw honestly about where I was at. It’s taken me years to understand that God is not about perfection…”He knows we are dust”. Guess what? He loves dust…lol. I know how patient and loving He is now…I kind of get it, I mean, but it’s something I am still learning. For me, it’s much easier to realize the reality of that for others and not myself. I also relate to what you said about control. That came in my adult life. As I’ve shared with you in the past, my son also has disabilities. I do too. I just found out very recently that I have a serious illness that involves living with chronic pain and is considered to be debilitating. I’ve never asked God…why before…in regards to my personal health. Truthfully, I did ask a bunch of whys when it came to my son though. It is so excruciating to watch your child suffer. With my new diagnosis now though, I keep ping-ponging back and forth between acceptance and wondering why God would allow this at a point in my life when my other health woes were really improving. Debilitating is a tough word to swallow. I’m particularly stuck into the “why” mode when I think about how all of this is affecting the people closest to me. Sometimes, my son has to do more than any 16 yr. old should have to. I don’t like being a burden whatsoever to others. I would like to check out that book you mentioned. I’m sorry this is so long, but I’m no longer on Facebook and couldn’t message you there. I’m still praying for all of you daily. So happy that Jon is home, safe and sound. I’ll be praying about Adam’s situation too. He is the most adorable little guy ever!!! I love all your pictures. So sweet. He’s blessed to have such an amazing Mom, and I hope you know that! Take care, Kim
It doesn’t sound warped, I feel the same way sometimes, not just about spiritual things, but even other things too like housecleaning! I think it’s normal for us to feel that way sometimes. I’m so sorry for all your going through, it’s so hard to see the reasoning when we are going through it. Thanks for sharing your heart and for the prayers and encouragement I appreciate it and will be praying for you guys as well!
“….I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” ~Mark 9:24
Thank Marcella, I needed to remember that verse!
I’m so glad that you shared this, it was defintiely something I needed to read today. I am in the same place as you described – wanting to control, bitter or angry over things in the past, saying I trust God but taking it back and trying to do things on my own. So glad that I read this, gives me a lot to think about!
I hope that things go well at the Marcus Center and you can get the help your son needs. You asked me in response to my comment a few days ago how my son’s endoscopy was – he did great with it. He was only 4 months old but everything went perfectly. It was done in less than an hour and he was back in our arms before he had even woken up. Afterwards he was his usual happy self (groggy, but happy). And the answers that we got were invaluable and really helped us get him the relief and help he needed. I hope all goes well for you. You are in my prayers!!
I’m glad it was helpful to you and so glad that I am not alone. It’s nice to know someone is learning and experiencing similar life lessons along the way!
Thanks so much for sharing how it went for you guys. They told us that it would take about 45 minutes, but that he would have to stay for awhile after to make sure everything is ok, and no allergic reaction I guess. They said it should take about half a day. I am nervous, but I know this I really going to help.
I think trust is such an earned thing, even when it comes to God, you know? I know my struggle often lies in feeling that God has wronged me in some way, negating my ability to trust him. Vicious cycle. Thank you for these good reminders, Kathryn!
I think you are so right! I never really thought of it that way. I am the same way, and it is a vicious cycle. Thanks so much for sharing and for commenting! 🙂
Hi Kathryn, my name is Sherry and I saw your post for your blog on A Deeper Story from facebook. Great message! Thanks for sharing your heart and for being so transparent. I have struggled with many of the same things myself. God is definitely with you every step of the way no matter what it is you’re going through at the moment. He loves you so very much Kathryn! I will be praying for you and for your sweet son. Blessings to you!
Thank you so much for stopping by! Thanks for the sweet encouragement and prayers I appreciate it. 🙂
Thank you for posting this. I felt like I was reading about myself.
I’m glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping by!