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For some people, trust comes easily, but for me? I have problems with trust. I don’t know why or how or even when it started, but I know I have them. I try to be in control, I try to control the situations around me and when I can’t I get overwhelmed and stressed. Instead of trusting in God the One who can give me peace at a moment’s notice, I try to do things my own way, over and over. This is my struggle.
God has proved Himself over and over in my life and yet he doesn’t even need to, He’s God. He shouldn’t have to. He should have my undying love and trust, no questions asked. God is finally dealing with me in this inner struggle with trust and I am realizing where my problems are coming from.
Trust: letting go and letting God. Such a simple little word and definition, but for some reason I can’t let go. I tell God, “Yes. I trust. I give You my life, You are in control.” But later I take control back. I trust him for some things, but not others. How can I trust God for my Salvation, but not trust Him in other areas of my life? He’s the same God, He doesn’t change, yet I am human and change my mind every day.
I’ve realized that my problems stem from my view of God. I’ve let my circumstances and the things I’ve learned growing up to get in the way of how I view God and my willingness to trust Him. God has been revealing this to me slowly through a book I’ve been reading recently and through my counseling and my husband.
I read this excerpt from that book the other night:
“How did I go from near despair- threatening to walk away from my faith in God forever- to giddy? I realized there could only be one explanation: God. He made good on His promise to love me, warts and all, and He showed up to meet me where I was-bitter and exhausted and spiritually out of gas. I offered him seven days, He offered me unconditional love for all eternity. And for the first time in my life, I realized it was okay to place value on all that He made me to be.
I realized I was worthy of His love because He made me in His own image! Sure, I’d known these things in my head, but I’d never believed them in my heart. Accepting this unconditional love in my heart made a huge difference in my life. The freedom I discovered on this journey has manifested itself over and over and over again.” –Confessions of a Prayer Slacker
And that has been me: “bitter and exhausted” only I didn’t realize it. I’ve been holding onto these things in my life and in my past and holding them over God’s head. I’ve been bitter over my parent’s divorce, my miscarriage, my health problems and my son’s health problems. I’ve not been able to trust because all I can see are the things where I’ve felt that God didn’t do “good enough.”
But He has. He has done so much for me, and I only have to stop focusing on all the bitter things that happened in my life and focus on what the Lord has done for me. When my view becomes unclouded, I realize that each of the things that God as allowed to come into my life are for a reason. He is always watching out for me and I need to accept His unconditional love.
The author of the excerpt above says, “Sure I’d known these things in my head, but I’d never believed them in my heart.” That is me. You hear about this “unconditional love” but you think what is it really? No human on earth can offer such love, so it’s hard to understand. But when I read the excerpt, tears poured down my face. There in the dark of my bedroom (I was reading on my phone), I realized that God loves ME. No matter if I miss church one Sunday, no matter if I forgot to read my Bible this morning, and even when I sin over and over. He loves me “warts” and all. He’s not standing up there thinking about what an evil person I am, He may be disappointed at times, but He still loves me very much.
It’s been hard to accept and understand. It’s been said before that a lot of people tend to view God in the same ways they have viewed their earthly father. If that is the case, then my view of God has been way off. My father and I have never really had a relationship. I grew up bitter and angry at him for everything he did and for everything he was. Because no matter what, I was never good enough. Never. And so I thought I could never be good enough in God’s sight. But that is why His unconditional love is so amazing. It’s not about being good it’s about the mercy and love He grants to us when we accept Him into our lives.
When I think about what I’ve recently learned and when I change my view of who God is, I can let go of the past and focus on the fact that God does not want to hurt me and that He has never failed me. Then I can trust. Everything I’ve been through in my life, is God’s way of saying, “Trust Me. Take My hand. I know what I’m doing and I have your best interests in mind.”
Tomorrow we go to the Marcus Center in Atlanta where the evaluation my son receives will tell us if we get the help we so desperately need for him or not. A week from tomorrow we hand over my son to a doctor we barely know (albeit a good doctor) to put him under and to do a pretty big procedure. These have been the hardest things for me to accept. But I know I am not alone. God is waiting for me to reach out, take His hand and say, “I’m trusting in You. You are in control.” All the questions in my mind can be laid to rest, all the “what ifs” if I only accept His love and trust in Him.
“Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery, how You gently lift me
When I am surrounded, Your love carries me“