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I can never quite decide how I feel about you. Do I love you or hate you for what you put me through? The life lessons were invaluable, but painful none the less. It’s true that I may have had to learn those things at some point anyway, but why during the most stressful time of my life did you feel you could throw your worst at me?
Being a newlywed with a husband halfway across the world was hard enough. But to have to spend a year learning who I can trust, and who will just serve to break me, was a lesson better left for another time.
I am batter and bruised to this day from what I went through. Those are the kind of wounds that don’t ever quite heal. To have to learn in such a brutal manner that I was alone is something I struggle with to this day.
Why? Why did you have to show me what people are really like. The utter disbelief and shock of my best friend firing me the day I watched my husband board the bus and leave was something I never thought would happen. To have her tell me that she can’t possible understand what I am going through because “her husband is home” was one of the most hurtful things that someone said to me while my husband was at war.
But while I’m still angry to this day, and while I am so furious that these things happened, that the people I trusted and loved failed to support me and that I was surviving my husband’s deployment alone, I still have to admit I should thank you. You proved to me that I am more capable than I thought.
True, I took a bit of time off school, but I got out of bed everyday, even if I didn’t get dressed. I paid the bills, and, though it moved slowly, life did continue to move on. And I discovered that I could move along with it, even if I was just catching a ride on the current.
I came out the other side of our battle. I have bruised knuckles from fighting and clawing my way through, I have a pain in my chest that never quiet goes away, but I am here. I am standing here, on the other side.
You came through my sheltered life like a hurricane. And all these years later, I’m still trying to hold everything together, because the damage is not completely undone. Because you did not just try to destroy me while my husband was gone, but you left everlasting damage to the life we were trying to build.
Some dreams are meant to be let go of. New dreams will take their place someday. But nothing can truly be fixed, my heart will never stop that dull ache, and the scars that only I can see will always be there until I can let go of the anger I feel for what you have done to my life.
But I am strong and patient. You taught me that. You taught me that there is not much in this world that I cannot handle. And standing in the wake of your wrath, I will look around at the rubble my life is filled with and rebuild. Because if nothing else, I have the strength and patience to know that nothing in this world is permanent, not even my troubles.
“A Girl” is a 20 something blogger who began blogging in 2008 as a means of coping with a deployment. She is married to a 10 year veteran of the USMC reserves, whom she meet shortly after he returned from a deployment. They have been married for four years, have three, very bratty dogs, and are currently trying to muddle through the aftermath of a difficult deployment for both. She blogs anonymously at A Boy, A Girl, and the Marine Corps.
*If you are interested in being a part of this series please see instructions here: Dear Deployment Blog Feature or email me at singingthroughtherain(at)gmail.com. Thanks!*