End of Deployment Blues
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I’m going to be honest. The past two weeks have been… hard. Things have been quiet here at home, almost too quiet after all the Murphy’s Law catastrophes we’ve had through most of this deployment. But now that we are nearing the end of this deployment, I am feeling tired and done. I don’t want to think anymore, I don’t want to do anything. I just want my husband home.
I didn’t realize that all the feelings I felt in the beginning of deployment would circle around to the end, but they have. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach like, “Woah this is really happening,” and “Woah look what I’ve gotten through,” and “Woah it still feels like an eternity until he comes home.”
Sunday night on the way to church I started thinking about homecoming. I pictured myself at the airport, waiting at the gate. I was in the homecoming dress that I have already picked out, and I stood at the window watching his plane coming in. Just thinking about it made the tears start to fall. All the feelings of everything that has happened during this deployment began to flood me, and in my mind I could just feel the relief I knew would come the second my eyes would meet his.
Last week I found out that my husband’s homecoming date is going to be later than we had originally thought it would be. I tried not to be disappointed, but I couldn’t stop the tears. I had a date in my mind and that was what I had been holding on to. The plans we had for our vacation, and for someone to watch Adam are now having to be changed because now the people who were going to do it, can’t. And it’s ok because I know we will find someone else and that it will all work out, but between that and worrying about having enough money to go on vacation in the first place, it all just made me feel overwhelmed.
Then, I got three little love letters from God. Three things that showed me, God is listening to my prayers. It was as if He was saying “Why are you so worried and stressed? I am here, you have nothing to worry about.”
Love Letter 1#
Last week I was just feeling really down. I was getting ready for bed, and as I usually do before bed I checked my email. On my blog’s email I had an email from a young woman who had found my blog recently. She had sent me a message to tell me she has been praying for a military wife to encourage. As soon as I read that, tears were rolling down my face. It was just after I had been praying about how discouraged I was and how I felt so done with this deployment. This email was like a letter sent from God to let me know how much He loved me and cared for me and was really listening.
Love Letter 2#
Today, I turned on my computer like I usually do in the morning, and I saw a friend’s Facebook post. She as looking for someone to help watch her kids while she worked at home. She couldn’t pay a lot, but it was a very flexible schedule. I could not believe how perfect it was!
Just yesterday I had been talking to my husband about trying to find a small job that I could do to make a little bit of extra money for us, and still stay home with Adam. After searching for some babysitting jobs, and talking to a few people I realized that my schedule was not really going to fit with anyone else’s. Between Adam’s therapy, my counseling appointments, and both of our doctor’s appointments, it would be hard to find someone flexible enough to let me work around all that.
When I called my friend I could not believe how flexible it all was. It was the perfect opportunity to earn a little cash and still be able to bring Adam with me. I was so grateful to God that he provided me with this opportunity since only the day before I had been worrying about it!
Love Letter 3#
Then again today, I found some old mail that I had stuffed somewhere to look at later. I skimmed through all of it and almost didn’t open the last one. It looked like just a bill, but I decided to open it just in case it was something important. Inside was a check for $86.!! I was dumb-founded. Tears came to my eyes as I thanked God again for taking care of us, as only yesterday I had been worried about not having enough money for our vacation and now we are putting this $86. toward what we already have saved.
God’s three love letters to me, have been eye-opening. Throughout this deployment, I have been put through so much. Test after test it has seemed and hardship after hardship to help me grow and to become a better, stronger person. But now that it’s the end, things are calming down and God is showing me that even through these hardships He still loves me, he has been taking care of me this whole time and that He has never forgotten about me or not known what was going on. He allowed these things to happen for a reason, and I see that now.
I have tears as I write this (I have been so emotional these past few weeks), but I just feel so blessed that God has chosen to reveal these things to me and bless me in these little ways. And even through this last part of this deployment is hard, I am pushing through, and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. God is good.
“THE LORD GIVETH HE TAKETH AWAY
BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD
I SERVED HIM BEFORE AND I’LL SERVE HIM TODAY
BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.”
Awww it’s so neat to see how God has worked!!! Hang in there girl this will be over soon.
I feel like we are in the same place on the deployment cycle..I am totally drained. Sometime I feel like I have no more left to give. I am so happy I came across your post this morning. I really needed something positive. My night didn’t go well and alot of things are going on in my life. I wish you the very best homecoming celebration! You really deserve it. Thanks for the great read. God is good all the time!
God is amazing! I have loved following you through this journey…eh more like rollercoaster LOL I admire your strength and faith in God!
I am so sorry his homecoming got pushed… I can’t imagine how much you must miss him. I am so glad that the Lord is showing Himself to you in such real and amazing ways! I will continue praying for you as you get close to the time when your family is all back together again!
God uses such amazing ways to show us He is still here, still with us. It’s hard to see some of those ways at times, when things get tough. How cool to see how God is showing himself in your life! I’m so sorry that the homecoming date got pushed back. I hope the days quickly pass! I’ve been keeping you guys in my prayers and will continue to do so!
Oh the emotional roller coaster of deployment! I have /so/ been there and I’m not saying that tritely … I just mean I ache for you and the community of military-families around you (whether here on the blog or in real life) are aching with you. Kind of funny my end of the deployment blues were different. I was so afraid he wasn’t going to be able to ‘fit back in’ and life was going to have changed so much over the course of our year deployment that we were going to butt heads, big time. We are both a little stubburn 😉 *But it didn’t happen.* All that worrying, for nothing. That worry & that stress is the devil on our left shoulder. Amen that God has revealed the silver-linings in your life. Many blessings.
Chris’s date changed 5 times. Every time as hard as I tried, I was devastated! Just when it was in sight it was yanked back away. I listened to Laura Story’s song “Blessings” over and over. It reminded me that God will work everything for His glory, even my hubby’s homecoming. Don’t be discouraged!! The Lord is near you and my prayers are with you!
The end of the deployments are ALWAYS the hardest for me, even harder than the beginning. I’m so glad you got some comforting reminders from God recently!
What wonderful ‘love letters’. I’m glad for you that it’s almost all over, but I’m also glad that you can find some joy in the moment.
Thank you for this. I rarely comment on blogs but yours just made me feel less crazy. Mine’s not deployed, just on a never ending training, he’s been gone 6 months now and we were given an end date of a few weeks ahead. That end date seemed to be a death sentence for my joy, I swear. I couldn’t understand why I was in this fog, this stupid funk, like the whole first week of them leaving all over again. Thank you for making me feel normal!
Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU! Like Nadine, I don’t typically comment on blogs, but I just felt you should know that you’ve helped me. My husband is deployed, we have about a month and a half left. His date was shifted weeks later than the date I had been holding on to. I’ve recently been finding myself in a funk and getting upset over small things. I just want to sit at home and do nothing until my husband comes back. I felt crazy, but this has helped me realize that if I am crazy, I’m not alone. 😛